Johnny Charlie and the Chocolate CoatedZPMFactory!
by Lone-ranger1
Summary: Johnny Charlie Bucket was the luckiest boy in the world. He just didn't know it yet. Parody/Humor *rated t for later chapters*


**Johnny Charlie and the Chocolate Coated ZPM Factory!**

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_**A/N: That day old pizza I had today probably isn't sitting right **__****__** I'm… unsure of where this idea first arrived. But I'm taking bits from both movies and even the books (I read them in like grade one… I used to read to my grade 6 book buddy :P) although you'll see big hints from the Tim Burton version (which I thought was friggin awesome) **_

_**I'm envisioning three parts.**_

_**Part 1, Introductions**_

_**Part 2: Factory Tour**_

_**Part 3: ????????????**_

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This is the story of a not so ordinary little boy, named Johnny Charlie Bucket, living in a not so ordinary place known as Lantea. Despite being faster, stronger, and somewhat more clever than other ordinary children, little Johnny Charlie's family was not rich, nor powerful, or well connected. In fact, they barely had enough to eat, surviving only on Tava Bean soup. Johnny Charlie Bucket was the luckiest boy in the world… he just didn't know it yet.

Johnny Charlie Bucket lives with his 2 parents, and each of their respective parents, making for 7 people in the entire household. Their house is hardly big enough to hold them all, let alone give Johnny any place to play. But play he does, and dreams he has, as he will spend hours on end staring out the window of his attic room, in the reverie of flight, and that of the secret chocolate factory on the horizon, the Atlantis Wonka Chocolate Factory City.

Johnny's father Patrick worked in a terribly underpaid factory, while his mother stayed at home taking care of his 4 grandparents, Pat and Patty, and Patton and Patrice. All four grandparents were laid up in a single bed, not having left it in 20 years. To Johnny, it seemed impossible for things to change, no matter how much he wanted. But unknownst to him, but certainly to us, the impossible had already been set in motion.

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Woolsey Willy Wonka was a strange man, everyone thought they loved him, but no one really knew him. Impossible? Probably, but not if you consider that Woolsey Willy made the best chocolate puddle jumpers and ZPMs in the land, it made sense for everybody to love him… well… not everyone. Those dastardly Wraith wannabe chocolate makers stole his recipes, usurping his life's work.

So he had to close his precious factory, preferring to keep his secrets to himself than have his life's dreams ruined. The world was horrified, they begged him begged, but he wouldn't budge. Soon he faded from the memory of the people of Lantea. But one day, many years after closing… the chocolate, the puddle jumpers, and the ZPM's began to flow again!

But no one ever saw him, no one ever knew who worked in the factory, and no one ever went in, just like no one ever went out… until…

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"_This just in, Woolsey Willy Wonka has just announced that he will allow 5 children to visit his factory this year! He has hidden 5 golden ZPM tickets in 5 regular chocolate bars! The lucky finders will get spend the day with him as they tour the factory… Wait… one moment… Oh my, it's true folks! The first ticket has been found! A boy in Vancouver Canada has found the first golden ticket! Yes… yes? Yes! It is confirmed! A child named Rodney Augustus Gloop has found the ticket! We'll now transfer you to our Vancouver affiliate!"_

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"_So tell me Rodney, how did you find the ticket?"_

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"Oh you know… I'm sorta hypoglycaemic so I have to keep eating or else I'll die or pass out and then die or get really really hungry then flop around dizzy then pass out and then die. So when I heard that these ticket things were out there I decided to change my entire diet to chocolate bars which wasn't that hard as I was already eating a lot of them and even with the extra I haven't gained much weight or had to get new clothes..."_

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Johnny's Grandpa, Grandpa Patton, upon finding out about Rodney Augustus Gloop and seeing his picture, stated his opinion in a very clear and efficient manner. _"I told you the first kid would be a fattie."_

It wasn't long until the next ticket was found, and just a little more of Johnny's heart was chipped away.

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"Hi! I'm Elizabeth Veruca Salt. My friends call me Liz but you can call me Elizabeth. Once I found out about these tickets I knew I had to have one of them. So I told my Daddy that if he didn't get me one I'd forget all about becoming a diplomat and leader of an intergalactic expedition and instead become a stripper who'll fall in love with a rough jail trick named Delores. Needless to say, his entire workforce shelled chocolate bars instead of peanuts for almost 3 days straight until they found me one. Now I lub him soooooooooooooooo much! But he still needs to get me a new pony if I'm going to hug him."_

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Johnny felt bad, how could such a beautiful young girl be so catty? His Grandpa Pat made him feel better by telling him that kids who get spoiled usually get spoiled because they wet the bed, and it's to make them feel better.

It was Johnny's birthday, and his entire family gathered up their pennies and dimes, and managed to buy him a single chocolate bar as a present. He spent an hour just staring at it, wishing and praying, but his already wounded heart was torn in half when upon opening the chocolate bar, all there was excellent chocolate. Not discouraged though, he shared it with his family, glad to be able to give them some more joy in their unfortunately dreary lives.

After the horrible suspense of the chocolate bar, hearing that the third ticket had been found didn't hurt as much as last time.

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"_Hi-YA! Ya! Aiii!!! *Thwack*"_

_*Two guys twice her size fall to the floor like sacks of wet potatoes amidst broken wood targets and physics papers.*_

"_And just to add insult to injury, you guys hit the floor with a force of… *does quick calculation* 449 pounds of gravimetric force, because you see, even though I have a hoo-ha instead of a wee-wee, I can still kick your tushie and know how hard I hit it! Anyways, when my mom told me I needed to find this ticket thing in order to prove I'm the best, I changed from my gum chewing competition that I'm already number 1 at, to candy bars. It wasn't a problem to find it because I'm Samantha Violet Beauregard, and I'm a winner! Hi-YA!"_

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*Thwack! Video feed goes black, then fades into red…*_

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Grandma Patty, upon seeing Sam Violet on the telly, summed it up in one sentence "What a repulsive young girl, as if she knew how much of her life will be spent trying to be number one…"

Johnny wasn't so convinced, she seemed nice enough, and definitely determined. He knew he had the same determination to get a ticket and only hoped that it would serve him just as well. But with only two tickets left, hope was fading, and to make it worse, the telly suddenly started screaming again.

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"_The fourth ticket has been found! Yes the fourt… Ow!!"_

_The reporter suddenly flew off screen, having been pushed off by red bolts from a nerf cannon. A young boy with dreadlocks and a giant cannon on his shoulder took the spot light and started speaking "Yeah, I'm Ronon Mike Teevee, I like TV. I like food, and I like shooting things. So I combined all three and somehow I ended up with a ticket. Whatever… Chocolate makes me fat anyways. I'll probably just shoot it at those Wraith wannabe chocolate ZPM dudes. I hate those little fuc…."_

"_PARDON ME VIEWERS! This station has no intention of offending your gentle sensibilities! We will now return to our scheduled program, a stunning and in-depth documentary on Hooter's Airline!"_

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Grandpa Patton was incensed, he began to scream and curse at the little boy with the Nerf cannon and Johnny would have loved to hear it. But his father Patrick covered his ears for almost 4 minutes until Grandpa Patton was finished and out of saliva.

Johnny was getting depressed, which ironically made the girls in class like him more. They tried to console him because he looked so cute with his spiky hair and wounded state, but he wasn't having any of it. Girls were usually icky or boring.

His spirits were lifted that night, when Grandpa Pat gave him just enough for one more chocolate bar, one more chance… but when he saw the delicious chocolate, and not a golden ZPM ticket, Johnny took one more step towards the cliff that would shatter his hopes and dreams.

The next day he ended up at the factory city gates, wishing and praying for some kind of miracle. But the news had already gotten out, the fifth ticket had been found… by some dude named Kolya in some backwards country, apparently he was hiding from some war tribunal or something and somehow managed to find the ticket. And that's when something happened, he couldn't really tell what it was but it felt so COOL. He called it Chaya and it told him to look down and to the back. There it was! A 10 dollar bill! He could help his family! He could feel better about his life… and maybe… just maybe he could buy himself a chocolate just to feel better.

He'd already bought the candy, and he was in the process of unwrapping it when he heard it. Kolya was a fake! He tried to copy the ticket as best he could from pictures and failed miserably! That meant there was one more golden ticket out there… *Rip* Oh my god! The Ticket was here! Johnny Charlie Bucket had found the last golden ticket!

People swarmed him, they wanted to see it, and he knew several might want to steal it, so he fought them all, grabbing a stick from the ground and dancing around like a ballerina, but a verh manly ballerina that broke chins and kicked nads in his escape!

So Johnny, once home, showed the ticket to his family, most unbelieving it. But Grandpa Pat was exuberated! He jumped right out of the bed he'd been laying in for 20 years and did a merry jig resembling a marionette! Within minutes it was decided that tomorrow, the actual day that the tour would take place, Grandpa Pat would go with him as his chaperone to take care of him.

Johnny was so excited! Maybe now he would finally fulfill that destiny thing everybody told him. And if bad came to worse, Chaya was still around.

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_**A/N2: I… have no idea. Make of this what you will but wow. Even I'm surprised I wrote this (let alone still have ideas to finish it!) oh and a million points to whoever gets the 'war tribunal' reference. (Hint: Trust me, it's f**ked up.)**_


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